Is It Selfish to Not Want Kids?

If you've told anyone you don't want kids, you've probably heard it: "That's selfish."

It's one of the most common accusations thrown at childfree people. Studies confirm this bias exists, with research showing that childfree individuals are perceived as more selfish, immature, and less fulfilled than parents. But perception isn't reality. Here's what the research actually says.

The Bias Is Documented

A 2025 study published in the Journal of Social Psychology found evidence of a negative bias toward people who choose to be childfree. Across three studies, participants rated childfree people as less positive than parents, adoptive parents, and even people who were involuntarily childless.

Why does this bias exist? Researchers point to norm violation. The expectation to become a parent, or at least want to, is nearly universal. When someone says "I don't want children," they're violating a norm that's been held for millennia. That violation triggers discomfort, and discomfort often gets labeled as selfishness.

But let's examine whether the label actually fits.

You Can't Be Selfish Toward Someone Who Doesn't Exist

Selfishness requires a victim. If you take something someone else needs, that's selfish. But choosing not to have children doesn't harm anyone. There's no child waiting to be born to you specifically.

By this logic, anyone who doesn't have the maximum possible number of children is being selfish toward all the children they could have had. That's absurd.

The "selfish" accusation conflates self-interest with selfishness. Making decisions about your own life based on what you want isn't selfish, it's self-aware.

Childfree People Contribute Plenty

One version of the "selfish" argument is that childfree people aren't contributing to society. The research says otherwise.

Sociological studies indicate that childfree individuals often have more time and motivation to contribute to their communities through charitable work and volunteering. Research shows they help raise the next generation by serving as mentors, teachers, counselors, and friends to children.

A life cycle model proposed by researchers Pelton and Hertlein describes how childfree adults build legacy through philanthropic contributions and community involvement, not through biological reproduction.

Studies from the U.S. found that childfree women led generative lives in both personal and professional contexts, maintaining meaningful social relationships and mentoring younger generations through surrogate roles.

Contributing to society doesn't require having children. It requires showing up for other people, and childfree adults do that in countless ways.

The Environmental Argument

For some, the choice to be childfree is partly environmental. And the data supports this as a meaningful contribution.

A 2017 study from Lund University found that having one fewer child can reduce a person's carbon footprint by 58.6 metric tons of CO2 per year in developed countries. That's equivalent to taking 13 cars off the road annually.

Research published in PLOS One found that parents emit more CO2 than non-parents, with food and transportation being the biggest factors. The greenest adult in the Swedish study? Childless and living alone.

Whether or not environmentalism drives your choice, choosing not to add another person to the planet has measurable impact. That's the opposite of selfish, it's one of the most significant contributions an individual can make.

For a deeper look at the research, see our piece on the environmental impact of being childfree.

What's Actually Selfish?

If we're going to talk about selfishness, let's be honest about some of the reasons people have children:

• To carry on the family name, which is about the parent's legacy, not the child's wellbeing
• To have someone take care of them when they're old, which treats a child as a retirement plan
• Because "that's what you do", which isn't selfless, it's unexamined
• To fix a relationship, which is selfish toward both the partner and the child
• To experience unconditional love, but the child doesn't exist to fulfill your emotional needs

None of this means all parents are selfish. Most parents love their children deeply and sacrifice enormously for them. But the reasons people become parents aren't inherently more noble than the reasons people don't.

The Real Issue

When someone calls you selfish for not wanting kids, they're often revealing something about themselves:

• Doubt about their own choice. If they sacrificed for parenthood, your different path might feel like a judgment.
• Conformity expectations. Some people struggle when others opt out of the default life script.
• Projection. They may have wanted a different life but didn't feel they could choose it.

Their discomfort isn't evidence that you've done something wrong.

Selfishness vs. Self-Knowledge

There's a difference between being selfish and being self-aware.

Selfish means prioritizing yourself at others' expense.

Self-aware means knowing what you want and making honest choices.

Choosing not to have children because you know you don't want them is self-knowledge. Research shows that most people who say they don't want children stick with that decision. It's not a phase or a whim. It's a considered choice.

You Don't Owe Anyone Children

Your body, your life, your choice. You don't owe your parents grandchildren. You don't owe society more taxpayers. You don't owe anyone an explanation for how you live your life.

People who have children don't have to justify that choice. The decision to become a parent is treated as natural and unquestionable. The decision not to have children deserves the same respect.

The Bottom Line

Research confirms that childfree people face bias and stigma. But the "selfish" label doesn't hold up under scrutiny.

Childfree individuals contribute to their communities through volunteering, mentorship, and philanthropy. They maintain meaningful relationships and build chosen families. Some make significant environmental contributions simply by not adding to the population.

You're not selfish. You're clear about what you want. And that's something to feel good about.